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1.
How could you do this to all those who trusted in you? How could you do this to me? What happened to all that you swore would be all that you’d always stand for? What happened to everything?
2.
Give me a break ‘cause I’ve been trying. I’ve been doing my best for way too long. But it seems like I’m stuck right here fighting so hard for something that I don’t want. So here’s to charades that I’m fine and the lies that I tell when I’m wrong. ‘Cause I can’t take this anymore. I am way too young to feel this old. Give me a chance ‘cause I’ve been honest through all of the mess I’ve been drowning in. But it seems like the more that I try the harder I fall and the faster I hit the ground. So here’s to the best of intentions and all of the ones I let down. And I have failed the ones I love. All I am will never be enough. Sometime ago I think my lungs gave out from all of the screaming. All that I need is forgiveness now for the life I’ve been leading. All of this darkness and hate in my heart with no one to blame but me. So overwhelmed from the start I was destined for failure and with my last breath scream. I just need to start again. I am so wrong for who I’ve been.
3.
Old Tricks 03:34
Second chances overrated. I’ll take what I’ve got right here. I’m not one to ask for help. Take your time and judge me right. I’d hate for you to be mistaken ‘cause I can make mistakes myself. I shouldn’t have to tell you who I am. Oh no. I can’t believe the words that are coming out of my mouth. I swear this isn’t me and I am sure that what I’m worth is so much more than this and who I’ve come to be. Strip me down to skin and bones. All my sins and faults exposed. I’m sick of telling people sorry when I’m not. I’ll be honest if you want but don’t get mad when I screw up. You should have known that this was coming all along. I shouldn’t have to tell you who I am. Call me a liar if it's what you need. My integrity all but gone and all my double standards running out of steam. I’ve fallen short of what I hoped I’d be. My excuses almost worthless for the side of me I don’t want you to see.
4.
Sit close ‘cause I won’t say this twice. I’m done with making all these promises and lies that I can’t keep. Don’t hold your breath ‘cause it’s too late for all of this to now start making sense so settle down and breathe. I know I know your eyes are always fixed on someone else despite all my best attempts at being noticed. What’s another year of being all alone? Memories that I don’t need and a heart as cold as stone. What’s another try when there’s nothing left to lose? I’m done holding out for love and I’m done waiting here for you. This close is just how far I was before I finally saw myself and all the things I’m doing wrong. Big talk coming from my mouth full of the trash that you hear now and all the tales that I’ve been telling all along. I know I know you eyes are always fixed on someone else. I know I know that all of my best tries have always failed and I know I know your heart was always meant for someone else despite all my best attempts at being noticed. I’m done holding out for hope there’s someone holding out too.
5.
All this time I haven’t learned a thing. No one’s more upset with myself than me. God I swear I’ve tried so hard. I don’t understand how I fell this far. Oh my hands are getting tired from holding on with all I have. It feels like my voice is about to break from screaming until my lungs give out. What if I tried to make you love me? Would you love me inspite of myself? Wanting to find something to die for. Something to fight for till I’m out of breath. All these years trapped inside my hate. No one’s more aware of my vast mistakes. Keep telling me I’m wrong like maybe I forgot. ‘Cause honestly it’s hard to keep track of all my flaws. Oh my soul is growing cold and turning black from all this hell. It feels like my heart is about to break from keeping this anger to myself. Maybe I believed that I could change. Tell me just enough to keep me holding on. Baby I believe you aren’t the same. So whatever you do just please don’t prove me wrong.
6.
You’d think that I would learn to hold my tongue once and for all. But I’m growing old and still running off my mouth like I can’t get enough. But save your mercy for the lost. I don’t have time for these regrets. And don’t you dare remind me of the cost ‘cause how the hell could I forget? I’ve gotten good at pulling people in and pushing everyone away. I’ve shouted words and said hateful things that no one decent should say. But save forgiveness for the weak. I’ve made it this far on my own. I’m not the man of your dreams but more like the sinner that you stone. God only knows the darker side of me. The pieces of my heart I don’t want you to see. Heaven forbid you find out who I am ‘cause if you knew the truth I’m terrified you’ll leave. I’ve got to change or I’ll die alone. I don’t deserve all the grace that you’ve displayed. I’ll nail you to the cross again ‘cause once was not enough. My sinful heart feels way too gone now to ever be saved. So keep me close to where you are ‘cause God knows I’m prone to stray. Write my name upon your heart and swear you’ll always keep me safe.
7.
Give me one more minute. I thought I had it figured out but now I’m all alone with no one left to blame but myself. And I was sure that this was it. One last chance to be redeemed. But all that hopes gone out the window now and I don’t feel a thing. I just want to be good. So much better than this but I’m wearing thin. And I swore that I changed but I know I never will. I’m the same old sin. Give me one more second and I’ll be honest for a change. I had everyone believing I’m not who I used to be. And I am sure that I am wrong despite everything you say. You keep telling me I’m not and I’ll keep pushing you away. So take all your blame and put it somewhere else ‘cause I’m a failure on my own without anybody’s help. And when I finally reach the point where you don’t know me anymore I’ll prove everybody wrong and pick my heart up off the floor. So take all your blame and put it somewhere else ‘cause I’m a failure on my own without any of your help.
8.
Don’t let me keep you awake ‘cause I love to watch you sleep. Don’t hear anything they say ‘cause they love to watch me bleed. Don’t fight the voice inside your head. The one that say’s don’t get too close. I’m starting to think that that’s what’s best. That if I love you I’ll let go. No one’s happy will the world’s on fire. The wicked never seem to rest. If I was worth it I’d been saved by now but darling. I think we both know what is best. If you will let me waste your time then I will try to earn your love. I’d be fond if you were mine but I know you know you’re better off. And when the snow starts piling up and the sun sets too soon and all my good is not good enough just know I want what’s best for you. No one’s happy will the world’s on fire. The wicked never get to rest. If I was worth it I’d been saved by now but darling. I think we both know what is best.
9.
I can’t believe we used to be so close but I can see it all so clear now. The things I used to justify not to be alone. I deserve how things turned out. Tell me one more time my flaws just in case I will forget all the things that I’ve done wrong, intentional or not. Am I still worth it to forgive? So cauterize my heart and let me start over. This time will be different I swear. And if I fall apart and hope get’s me nowhere promise me that you will be there. I can’t believe I let you in so far but I can see how I was wrong then. My mistakes that won’t let go and change I’ve tried to make and move on from what I’ve been. You were all that I wanted when everything but lost. I’ve made it clear I’m aware now that I was nothing if not wrong. Your mistake was not leaving when you first had the chance. I don’t think I’d ever blame you if you never take me back.
10.
High Roads 04:21
Seems I’m still holding on though I thought I’d let go. But forgiveness is hard. Just trust me I know. But it’s not like you’re innocent. I’ve got reasons to hate. And the truth we refuse to admit is we’re both probably somewhat to blame. And I know if we hold it all in it’ll just kill us both. Don’t you see I’ve been doing what’s right? I just need you to trust me. I’ve read thousands of words that all say the same thing. I should learn to let and let heal all the wounds where you cut me so deep. I’ve been holding back tears. I’ve been hiding the hurt. And you’ve been cursing and dragging my name through the dirt. And when the dust starts to settle we’ll find both sides at fault and how nobody wins when we both wind up scared of the dark. And I know if I hold it all in it’ll just kill my soul and can’t you see that I’m doing what’s right? I don’t care if you trust me.
11.
Preface 04:54
4 years gone by and I’ve found I’m still writing about how everything felt. You would have thought that I would learn to move on but clearly there are things to work out. Just tell me I’m wrong and it’s all still my fault if that’s what you really believe. But I’m growing tired of your stories and lies and who you make me out to be. 10 years too long to harbor so much when neither one can seem to let it go. But I’m way too gone now just like I was then and pretty sure I’m never going home. Mistakes that I made and the places I made them seemed to set my bridges all on fire. I wanted to change but no one would let me so I disappeared into the night. The time that I spent focused on you I realize now was just a waste. The dreams that I dreamt and thought you did too now just seem to feel all out of place. 25 gone and aged to perfection, a sinner that stands above the rest. The good that I’ve done drowned out by the memories of all the things that I’ve grown to regret. The things that I said weren’t the things that you heard and maybe that was why you got so mad. Now I never meant to cause you to hate me but there is not one word that I’d take back.

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released March 10, 2017

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Abandoning Sunday San Diego, California

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